As we speak, people around the world are getting salmon jizz injected into their faces.

The skincare industry has long had a semen fascination, and they aren’t the only ones — from the canine semen injections hailed as a 19th century “elixir of life” to the present-day sex workers making cum-batter cupcakes, there’s a big, creamy load of seminal history out there begging to be excavated.

Sperm has long been associated with virility, health and masculinity, but some have taken such theories to an extreme. Take Charles-Édouard Brown-Séquard, a Mauritian physiologist and neurologist, as an example. In 1889, when he was 72 years old, he began waxing lyrical about a so-called “elixir of life.” He started injecting this miracle secretion every day, and gave impassioned testimonies claiming it enabled him to lift heavier weights, work for hours after dinner and run up and down stairs without getting winded, a notable achievement for a guy in his golden years.

So, what was his miracle elixir?

Extracts of seminal fluid, drained from the balls of poor, unsuspecting guinea pigs and dogs.

Brown-Séquard and his fondness for rodent sperm was roundly mocked in the press, but his semen shots developed a cult fandom. His liquid gold was replicated and dubbed the “Brown-Séquard elixir,” and there are reported cases of men following his lead. Some miraculously good press came his way in late 1889, when baseball player James “Pud” Galvin was drug-tested and found to have injected the controversial concoction just hours before destroying the Boston Beaneaters. His legacy was cemented as the first known doper in baseball.

Modern scientists have similarly tinkered with the balls of dogs and guinea pigs to test for the rejuvenation effects so lauded by Brown-Séquard. Unsurprisingly, the theory is a dud, but it’s one of many notorious treatments promised to restore “manly vigor.”

There are also whispers of another peculiar usage of sperm in 20th century Britain. Now, this might be an urban myth — the fact that the guy involved is named Mansfield Cummings seems too good to be true — but apparently, British spies in the early years of World War I were considering using sperm as invisible ink. The jizz-ink idea was floated, but never got off the ground — apparently, the smell was too off-putting. Presumably, the crustiness of the paper was another dead giveaway.

Elsewhere, sperm has been used in skincare — see the aforementioned salmon-semen facial, beloved by the Kardashians — and haircare, for its apparent conditioning properties.

The most vocal acolyte of the cum facial is vlogger Tracy Kiss, who went viral for scooping the gloop out of a takeaway container and slathering it in on her face back in 2014.  “I did dominate the #semen hashtag for a while,” she told Vice in 2016, explaining that — apart from accidentally snorting it once — she’s had no issues, and she’s had messages from fellow facial fans too nervous to speak openly about it. “You don’t need to be embarrassed,” she said. “I mean, I have spots, I’m sweaty, and I have semen dripping down my face. People either love me or hate me for that, but I’ll never change.”

The 21st century has also seen cum incorporated into recipe books, most famously by Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, author of the Natural Harvest cookbook and its cocktail-focussed companion, Semenology. The latter has handy tips on adjusting your diet to get your semen tasting its best (ginger and fresh fruits, FYI), and an intrepid MEL Magazine writer bravely tested his Whiskey Dick Sour recipe, commenting on the “subtle brininess” resulting from the beloved baby batter.

OnlyFans creator Nick Finch experimented with cum cuisine too, posting a video in which he made cupcakes from his “man juice.” It’s a smart social media strategy — just safe enough to make it past YouTube censors, and with the obvious opportunity to pay for a subscription to watch the actual cumshot. “There was literally no taste,” he laughed in a 2021 interview, issuing a warning: “Don’t cook your sperm.”

These are sage words, but if history is any indicator, we will cook our sperm. We’ll freeze it, drink it, slap it on our faces and splash it in a margarita. We might not be injecting guinea pig sperm as our “elixir of life” any more, but we’re sure happy to inject salmon sperm into our faces in the hopes of glowier skin.

The facial is here to stay — in more ways than one.