Perhaps the most infamous short king in history, Napoleon Bonaparte, is still a subject of much fascination today. And sure, he was arguably the most powerful man in the world in the 19th century, but the aspect of his legacy that continues to stir up conversations in various corners of the internet has nothing to do with the French Revolution or his military prowess.

In his letters, Napoleon once wrote of his wife Joséphine’s elusive “zig-zag” in the bedroom.

As for what exactly the zig-zag entailed, historians and internet sleuths alike have tried to answer this question, and have come up with some wild theories. A Daily Mail sexpert argued it “must be to do with oral sex,” and that Joséphine probably zig-zagged her tongue across Napoleon’s shaft as she blew him. Forum users joke that she could have “wiggled around in a zig-zag or letter Z pattern while Napoleon made Corsican noises of pleasure.”

Whatever she did in bed, it clearly worked — “Joséphine” was one of his dying words.

By all accounts, their 13-year marriage was a pretty scandalous one. Joséphine was a widow six years older than Napoleon; her first husband was brutally guillotined during the Reign of Terror, a period of state-sanctioned mass execution during the French Revolution. They fell in love in the midst of the bloody revolution, and Napoleon was down bad.

The intricacies of their sex life have been partially preserved in a series of love letters and their sex scenes were painstakingly recreated in the 2023 Ridley Scott blockbuster Napoleon.

In the aforementioned letters, Napoleon promises on multiple occasions that he’s “not jealous,” but whines when she doesn't write back for a few days. “No letters from you for three days, and yet I have written to you several times,” he sulks in a letter sent from Brescia, Italy in August 1796. “To be parted is dreadful, the nights are long, stupid and wearisome; the day’s work is monotonous.”

In November the same year, he fantasizes about helping her undress — he’s thirsty for a glimpse of her “little firm white breast” — and dreams of “kisses on [her] mouth, eyes, breast, everywhere, everywhere.”

So, what about the zig-zag?

Unfortunately, the answer is likely nowhere near as scandalous as you might hope. A trusty French historian of the AskHistorians subreddit finally answered the question definitively, tracing the mention of “zig-zag” back to a Napoleon biographer named Henri-Gatien Bertrand.

Bertrand recalls a conversation in which Napoleon described Joséphine as “the person I loved most when I was younger. She was more coquettish, perhaps a little flirtatious, and in love she zig-zagged a bit; she never told the truth.” Key context here: Their marriage was plagued with accusations of infidelity, furious arguments about cash and Joséphine’s inability to have a child, which eventually led to their divorce.

It seems pretty obvious here that to “zig-zag” is to be evasive, to flirt and deny it — although that’s just Napoleon’s view of the situation, of course. There’s nothing to suggest she was darting her tongue over his bell-end in a criss-cross pattern, nor straddling him while contorting her body into some weird Z shape. If you want something even slightly horny, you can choose to believe the rumor that he once sent a letter with the instructions: “Home in three days. Don’t wash.” 

Whatever you choose to believe, it was apparently Joséphine’s emotional unavailability that kept Napoleon hooked, not some miracle sexual innovation.

Now, let’s turn our attention to another, more serious inquiry: Why did Napoleon call her genitals Baron de Kepen?