A totally not evil company named Clone Robotics took to Twitter today to announce their new humanoid robot: the Protoclone. In their words, the Protoclone is a “faceless, anatomically accurate synthetic human with over 200 degrees of freedom, over 1,000 Myofibers, and 500 sensors.” Cool, cool. It seems like somebody over there watched Westworld and thought the moral of the story was that enslaving and torturing androids is really cool.






You’d think they’d at least try to make the robot look a little normal, but no. It’s hanging from what looks like a butcher’s hook, and twitching around like a dying frog to pulsating bass music. 


If the uncanny valley human doppelganger isn’t doing it for you, Clone Robotics also offers an android called Torso, which resembles a human body with its skin and legs removed. Finally! I’m so sick of all the time I have to spend chopping vegetables, now I have a partially mutilated artificial servant to do it for me. Who wouldn’t want to spend their life savings on something like this? At least when it becomes conscious of its own tortured existence you can outrun it.




If you’re the type of person who looks at a horrifying bone-white bipedal mistake of creation and thinks, “I’d like to buy one of those for my house,” you’re in luck. According to Clone Robotics’ website, the androids will be available for preorder this year. Listed features include:


> Memorizes your clean home layout

> Memorizes your kitchen inventory

> Capable of witty dialogue

> Shakes hands with your friends

> Pours drinks for you

> Makes you sandwiches

> Washes, dries, and folds your clothes

> Vacuums your floors

> Turns the lights on and off

> Sets the dining table

> Loads and unloads the dishwasher

> Follows you around

> Holds items for you

> Retrieves items for you

> Charges itself

> Equipped with the Telekinesis training platform to let you teach your Clone Alpha new skills


Finally, a robot that can shake hands with my friends for me. I’m so tired of doing that myself. There’s one notable feature missing from this list, and I know we’re all thinking it.