20 Great Comedians & Their Best Jokes
Neill Lynskey
Published
05/06/2025
in
Funny
The internet has ushered in a new comedy boom.
With TikTok, YouTube, Twitter, and podcasts, comedians have more ways than ever to get their best jokes out there. Joe Pera, Taylor Tomlinson, Nate Bargatze, and Michelle Wolf are just a few comedians whose killer timing and wit have them on their way to becoming household names.
Here are some all-time greats and up-and-comers best jokes.
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1. “Old people love telling you they used to drink out of the hose. Yeah, and now you cry when a waiter forgets your dipping sauce. Times change, grandpa.”
- Shane Gillis -
2. “I believe in equality, which is why I will absolutely roast you regardless of gender, age, or horoscope sign. I’m not mean—I’m an equal opportunity disappointment.”
- Sarah Silverman -
3. “I told a joke in Alabama and a guy said, ‘You talk slow, but you think fast.’ That’s the nicest insult I’ve ever received.”
- Nate Bargatze -
4. “I’m not yelling, I just talk like a guy announcing a train delay in 1954. If I ever told someone ‘I love you,’ it’d sound like wartime propaganda.”
- Mark Normand -
5. “I’m not shy, I’m just calculating if this interaction is worth the emotional recovery time. Usually it’s not.”
- Jerrod Carmichael -
6. “Sometimes I just walk onstage with no idea what I’m going to say. But if you commit to it hard enough, people think it’s art.”
- Rory Scovel -
7. “The dating pool now is just people who think ‘ghosting’ is a healthy boundary and who list ‘vibes’ as a personality. I don’t want vibes. I want a 401(k) and a personality disorder I can manage.”
- Sam Morril -
8. “They say your twenties are for finding yourself. I found myself in bed at 2 p.m. eating string cheese like a raccoon.”
- Taylor Tomlinson -
9. “My friend told me I should ‘just love myself.’ And I said, ‘If I knew how to do that, do you think I’d be crying in a CVS parking lot over expired hummus?’”
- Michelle Wolf -
10. “Hello. I have cancer. Thank you for being here. I was going to cancel but I still have to pay rent, so let’s do this.”
- Tig Notaro -
11. “My spirit animal is a guy who fell asleep on a bus and woke up in a different state but just rolled with it. That’s my vibe now—just calmly panicking all the time.”
- Hannibal Buress -
12. “People think I’m a tiger mom because I yell, but I’m not yelling out of anger. I’m yelling because my baby tried to eat a USB stick and I panicked!”
- Ali Wong -
13. “I saw a guy yell at his girlfriend in public, and I wanted to intervene. But instead, I just said, ‘Ugh, imagine being emotionally available,’ and kept walking.”
- Bill Burr -
14. “I miss the days when being bored just meant staring at a wall and thinking about dinosaurs. Now boredom means scrolling through five apps while hating myself in five different ways.”
- Patton Oswalt -
15. “Every time I do something remotely responsible, I want to call someone and be like, ‘Hey, I just paid a bill on time. Can I have a trophy or at least a juice box?’”
- Louis C.K. -
16. You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
- Jim Gaffigan -
17. “Sometimes people ask me why I talk so slowly. I say it’s because I’m afraid if I speak too fast, I’ll say something I regret—like ‘I love you’ or ‘I understand NFTs.’”
- Joe Pera -
18. “If you’re losing an argument, just start correcting their grammar. Nothing derails righteous anger faster than a well-placed ‘your means belonging.’”
- Dave Chappelle -
19. Eighth-graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even need to look at you for long, they'll just be like, "hey, look at that high-waisted man, he got feminine hips". And I'm
- John Mulaney -
20. “People always say, ‘You’re so brave, doing stand-up with mental illness.’ And I’m like, 'No, brave is skydiving. I'm just trying to avoid a psych ward co-pay.'”
- Maria Bamford
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Replay - 20 Great Comedians & Their Best Jokes
“Old people love telling you they used to drink out of the hose. Yeah, and now you cry when a waiter forgets your dipping sauce. Times change, grandpa.”
- Shane Gillis
- Shane Gillis
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