When I was a kid, I went out with my friend and his father's family. We ate Chinese and after my stomach was hurting. I was the first one outside so I tried to fart and sharted instead. I was about to run to the back of the building to wipe and throw boxers away (it was nighttime) but they came outside already. I didn't know what to do so I got back in the truck. It just happened to be the kind where you open the front to get back door open. I rode all the way home (30mins) with sh*tty pants. They didn't say anything but drove with all windows down. to make it worse, when I got home I had to climb over someone to get out because I was in the middle seat so my ass went right by the daughter's face.-u/killing4food

When I was a kid learning to ski, I begged my parents to let me go pee before a run but we were already in line for the chairlift. my oldest sister told me “if you have to pee really bad, that means it’s only a little bit! so just pee!”I trusted her blindly but probably pissed myself for a solid 2 minutes. filled up and flooded my ski boots. my parents were not happy because I was definitely old enough to know better-u/badluckie

Not really my fault, but in second grade, I got a stomach bug and my parents didn’t want to answer the phone, so the stupid nurse sent me back to class. We were at P.E at the time, and I got horribly sick again, just as I finished throwing up a kid had kicked a kickball. The sound it made as it slid through my vom is still with me to this day-u/htxxalxx

When I was about 8, I wanted to see what happened if I took of my pants and ran down the hill while peeing.....Such a bad idea.-u/shiroboi

I accidentally sh*t my pants outside at some after-school program at my school, I decided instead of going inside it’d be better to hide in the tube slide, take the sh*t out of my pants and bury it in the sandbox.-u/Prestigious_Pass9599

Pushing my abdomen back together because the sutures came undone and I could see my insides.-u/SirThatsCuba

When I was in high school, I was so constipated, a poop as wide as an egg's length was stuck inside of me. I strained and pushed to no avail, and eventually had to stick a lubed-up finger inside, trying desperately to work my way around this monster and crack a chunk off. no dice. I ended up laying in the bathtub with my legs up in the air, butthole pointed straight at the hot water blasting from the tub faucet, praying that it would be dislodged. Eventually, enough chunks came off that I was able to poop it out, and it felt like dry, cracked birth.-u/robodook

When I was about four years old, I was at a video rental store and shook out a little nugget of a turd that fell down my pant leg and was left by the video games.-u/littleallred008

Pissed myself while I was really drunk and couldn't admit it so poured all my alcohol on myself to make it seem like I'd somehow gotten a bunch of liquid spilled on me. Since I was in a club that plan wasn't working, as you can imagine you can't just acquire that much alcohol for free and quickly, so I ended up trying to get into a sink in the bathroom and ended up getting taken away in an ambulance due to slipping. That sounds a lot less funny when I say it like that actually.-u/Haloperi-Doll

I dropped a sandwich on the floor at work and it was covered in sawdust, I was feeling really sad so I just ate it and didn’t care at all-u/Puzzleheaded-Paint64

Doctor here, at one point in my career I was doing autopsies. Came in one day to the smell of bbq. I thought perhaps potluck or someone was cooking in the kitchen at work. Turned out there was a house fire and that was the smell of the victim. I performed the autopsy and despite my disgust, my mouth watered the entire time. Doing that type of work you learn to compartmentalize and leave your feelings at home, but he smelt so good I couldn’t eat meat for months and every so often I smell burnt meat and it takes me right back to it.-u/aliael14

Had to pick through my sh*t with gloves trying to find a push pin I’d swallowed some days prior-u/whydontuwannawork

Threw up in (yes, in) my pants in the bathroom of the bar and continued drinking.-u/baconpoutine89

Undressing and showering my father because he had gotten blackout drunk and sh*t himself.-u/Lickingyourmomsanus

Accidentally swallowed the crown on my front tooth after it came loose while I was eating taffy. I had the runs the next day and managed to shit it out while at work - I heard a clink in the toilet and I just knew. However, our toilets at work are automatic/use a motion sensor. I was TERRIFIED that I was going to move too quickly and make it flush, so I slowly crept off of the toilet and onto the bathroom floor - my asshole out in the open, covered in liquid turd - and crawled over to a box of latex gloves that we had in the bathroom. I somehow managed to avoid making the toilet flush, picked the crown out from the toilet, and called my dentist. He ran the crown through the sterilizer and put that $1400 bad boi right back into my mouth. I have no regrets.-u/Preskewl_Prostitewt

My ex had a golf ball-sized cyst on her shoulder. I tried to extract it and it squirted forcefully, a little right into my mouth. I immediately threw up on her leg and cat who chose the absolute worst time to affectionately cuddle her leg.-u/supertoilet99

In 5th grade, I used to sh*t tiny little turds in my pants, discreetly take out the turd and encapsulate it in my hand, get up to "blow my nose", then I would put the turd in the tissue and throw it away in the trash can. Teacher then wonders why the classroom stinks and can't find the source. Why did I do this lmao-u/Phantom-A

One morning I was getting ready for work, still naked from just waking up and not feeling too good, either. I made the mistake of trusting a fart and a small bit of liquid hit the floor, I tried to run to the counter to grab paper towels but before I could react my dog was already lapping it up…-u/Scootacus93

I chugged a bottle of maple syrup like in Super Troopers. Drinking syrup is kind of gross, the nastiest parts were the stomach pains and aggressive farts that happened hours later due to the amount of sugar. My buddy was near the bathroom when I was letting them out and he said it sounded like Little Round Top.-u/hankypank3

Was caught in traffic and a construction zone a mile from the truck stop. Had really bad diarrhea in the median between the concrete wall and my truck, straight down my legs while standing. Changed clothes on the catwalk in between the truck and trailer. Oncoming traffic saw it all.-u/FireWireBestWire

I was asleep on the couch in some ghetto house I was renting while in college and a cock roach crawled inside my ear canal and got stuck inside. I woke up and felt it crawling around inside. Went to the emergency room and the doctor extracted. Felt so violated. Got ear f*cked by a roach.-u/assetguru

I took a drink of my friend's Red Bull. Turns out it was his dip spit can for the day.-u/JohnDillinger01

Prob the time I drunkenly invited a brother and sister to indulge me in a threesome lol-u/IgnoreAndScroll404

Wiped my ass, didn’t realize the tissue broke then bit my nail before washing my hands…. Needless to say, I don’t bite my nails anymore lmao-u/Duhmoan